Well, I got my period. Should have seen that one coming ten miles off!
I’m gutted about last cycle. I really thought that ovulating late was my problem, but it seems even with an early ovulation our chance is fairly low. So, that kind of opens up the list of things that might be wrong again. Old eggs? Too young eggs? n=Not enough eggs? Lining problem? Weak ovulation? No ovulation? Progesterone issues? Uterus issue? Hormone inbalance? Thyroid problem? Blood clotting disorder? Blocked tube? Generally broken?
I was fairly confident that clomid would solve the problem by making me ovulate earlier and more strongly and therefore be more likely to get pregnant, but at the moment I don’t feel like that will be the case. Maybe that is just the period emotions talking. I don’t know whether last month my mind/body played a very nasty trick on me or whether something did go on in there, but I’m not going to dwell on it because that’s something I will never know the answer to.
Right now I just feel like having a total meltdown. I don’t think a period has hit me this hard in a long time. I think it’s partly to do with the expectation of ovulating early and the fact that we got pregnant last time that happened, but it’s partly because we are coming up on Squishy’s due date fast and no pregnancy. It’s also pretty much a year since we started trying again. I just thought I had found the magic formula and I hadn’t. Serves me right for believing in magic formulas, hey?
I’m seeing a different doctor on the 7th January. If he will get me the prescription for clomid I’m just going to take it, but ask for a hospital referral as well. I can see me ending up in tears at that appointment because I am SO TIRED OF WAITING. I know there are a lot of people who have done a lot of waiting, especially around the blog universe and the message boards that I visit, but I wouldn’t mind waiting quite so much if I had a treatment pathway ahead of me rather than just a big confusing nothing. Some kind of intervention or assistance, rather than just sodding blood tests. I don’t need blood tests. I’ve had the blood tests! I’m talking HSG and such. Or the clomid that I was promised SIX MONTHS AGO. Obviously we know one of my tubes must be ok because I got pregnant, but what about the other one? I just feel like people should be being more thorough. My progesterone numbers are probably a crock of shit, which is great as it might make the drs actually take notice of what is going on.
I need someone to take me seriously because I really believe there is a problem that is stopping us getting pregnant. I got my period on NINE days post ovulation. I really don’t think that is a long enough luteal phase. I was willing to work with a ten day LP, but nine days?! I need someone to take me seriously and stop talking to me like I’m stupid. I know they’re the dr and they went to medical school and whatever, but this is my body. I know my body best and if they wont listen to what is going on then I don’t know how they can possibly diagnose anything. Most importantly, I need something to take me seriously because I deserve to be listened to and I deserve to be taken seriously. This is my health, my body and potentially the life of my future child that we are dealing with here. Not a snotty nose.
I just feel a bit lost at the moment. I feel like this is never going to happen for us. I feel like I’m letting me down, Amy down and our families down. I’m sure no one feels like that, but my heart does. I thought I had it figured out, but as usual we got a big fat curveball as usual. Amy and I talked about stopping, but the crux of the matter is that we want a baby. The only way to have a baby is to keep trying. Even though there’s no fun in it. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m sick and tired of relying on a third person in our relationship – no matter how wonderful he is. I’m sick and tired of sterilising medicine syringes and sample pots on my kitchen counter and I’m sick of OPKs! But it’s the only way.
And well… it’ll be so very worth it when it does happen…