Well I am fashionably late with my one year update!!!
I have been living in my affirmed gender now for sixteen months. SIXTEEN MONTHS!!! But it feels as if Aiden has been a part of me for my entire life. Some people have told me they feel like their “old self” dies and they mourn that death to a certain extent but I dont feel like Amy died. I feel like Amy was always Aiden and has just evolved from basic form, getting ready for that final Stage evolution. (Pokemon reference for the geeks among us)
So what has happened to me since then?
I started Hormone treatment at the start of 2019. The experience of applying gel daily has been interesting. The amount of times Eden runs towards me yelling “Daddy i want a huuuuuuug” and I have to duck and dive to avoid her touching my arm before the gel dries.
It’s working well as far as I can tell. I’ve got hair in places I never thought possible, including a nice amount of face fluff. My voice has dipped a fair bit in the last couple of months (can’t sing along to those high notes now!!)
Fun story, I was in Iceland (the store – not the country) with Laura recently and she turned to ask me a question and looked around me like she had lost me. I’m going to take that as good sign that my facial features have changed slightly haha.
I can actually go one step further with that. This last week I was walking passed a shop window and got freaked out because there appeared to be a guy following really close behind me. I stopped and spun around only to notice there was no one there. When I turned back to the window I felt like a complete idiot. That man in the window… yep that was my own reflection.
The over all positive change I have seen has been my mental health. Since being open about who I am it’s like a weight has been lifted. I’m not constantly grouchy (I have my moments but don’t we all), I dont hate the sound of people saying my name, I dont go to bed and lay awake trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside my head. It’s liberating and is such a relief to just exist without the constant knot between my shoulders. People misgendering me is getting less and less frequent lately, which is very affirming.
I thought transitioning with a young child would be really hard but Eden has been amazing. I didn’t prompt her to change my pronouns or call me Daddy/Dad – she did that on her own. Children are amazing creatures as they aren’t born with prejudice or judgement and Eden is so intuitive and open minded.
It’s not all been easy though. Just this year, after nine months of shared care, my doctor informed me they would no longer support my medical transition. No NHS prescription, no blood tests and refusal to communicate with the private practitioners I am registered with but I will talk about that on another post.
My next steps are to continue with the private care until my NHS appointment comes around. I still have about one and a half years left for that. If you’re still with me by then, I will let you know how it goes.